Are Sunnis and Shiites Conspiring to Confuse McCain?

Andy Borowitz, from wikimediaAndy Borowitz may be the funniest Internet columnist going. Irreverance is certainly far from the normal business of a serious academic institution such as the Institute of Expertology.  Nonetheless, Mr. Borowitz’s June 17 column seemed so in tune with the Institute’s recent study of Senator John McCain’s Iraq War expertise that we felt compelled to reproduce it below….

 

McCain: Sunnis, Shiites “Trying to Confuse Me” 

Will Stay in Iraq Until He Can Tell Them Apart, Mac Says 

In a major speech on the war in Iraq today, presumptive GOP nominee John McCain said that the Iraqis have split into two factions, Shiites and Sunnis, with a sinister goal in mind. 

“My friends, the Iraqis have divided themselves into these two groups for one reason and one reason only,” Sen. McCain told an audience in a retirement village in Scottsdale, Arizona. “They are trying to confuse me.” 

Sen. McCain said that although the two groups of Iraqis are “well-nigh impossible” to tell apart, he vowed to commit U.S. troops to Iraq “for as long as it takes for me to figure out just what the difference between Sunnis and Shiites is.” 

“If it takes 100 years, 1,000 years, or a billion zillion years, we will stay there until I can tell Sunnis and Shiites apart,” the Arizona senator said. 

Sen. McCain reserved his harshest words for the Shiites, who he said were trying to confuse him by sometimes referring to themselves as “Shiites” and other times as “Shia.” 

“What’s that all about, anyway?” he asked. “Stop clowning around and call yourself one thing.” 

Sen. McCain seemed alarmed when a reporter asked him whether he believed that the Kurds, the third major group in Iraq, were trying to confuse him as well. 

“The Kurds?” he said. “Who the heck are they?” 

Elsewhere, a carjacker in Los Angeles stole a tank of gas but left the Mercedes. 

 

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2 responses to “Are Sunnis and Shiites Conspiring to Confuse McCain?

  1. Genevieve "La Belle Dame" Cerf

    ROFL! That’s the best reason I’ve heard yet to stay in Iraq. Never mind the oil! Is it not obvious that clarity has become the most scarce resource in the US?!

    However thanks to the brilliance and wisdom of this web site and its authors, we can finally begin to slog our way out of the morass of illiteracy and confusion which has been creeping across our great land in the last 8 years!

  2. Pingback: Borowitz: “Liberal Bloggers Accuse Obama of Trying to Win Election” « The Institute of Expertology

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